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More Clever, Witty and Funny Facebook Status Updates

Daniel Allen — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 13:00:56 +0000

…has discovered that alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, careers…
…figures that the trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
…believes that the easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse?
…wonders what is the difference between fiction and reality? Evidently fiction has to make sense.
…has learned (the easy way) that for every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction!
…wishes that I could tell people to slip into something more comfortable… like a coma!
…is beginning to believe that alcohol doesn’t solve any problems… but then again, neither does milk.
…wonders why we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
…What if there were no hypothetical questions?
…read somewhere that 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.

Funny Facebook Statuses Collection

Daniel Allen — Thu, 13 May 2010 12:00:57 +0000

Here are 10 more for the collection. Enjoy!

…Vegetarian: Native American definition for “lousy hunter”.
…has learned that the right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
…finds it amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper!
…notices that people tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
…wonders: when you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
…is trying to figure out why it is called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Soandso and I am an alcoholic’?
…has realized that two years ago I married a lovely young virgin… and if that doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna divorce her!
…believes that life’s like a bird… it’s pretty cute until it craps on your head!
…is beginning to think that no one is listening until you fart.
…was talking with my neighbor when we saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

Facebook Status Updates to Get a Smile

Daniel Allen — Tue, 11 May 2010 12:00:39 +0000

Here is a collection of some funny Facebook Status updates that will get people to smile and should get quite a few comments as well!

…figured out why it’s so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking… because those men already have boyfriends!!
…keeps hearing that the right person will come along… I think mine got hit by a truck.
…reads recipes the same way I read science fiction… I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
…was told to join The Army, where I can visit exotic places, meet strange people, then try to kill them.
…has learned that there are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it’s hot.
…’s word of the day is materialism: buying things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people that don’t matter… or as we call it: the American Way!
…recommends the best way to lie is to tell the truth… a carefully edited truth!
…has all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today…
…wonders if anyone else realizes that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
…married Miss Right… I just didn’t know her first name was Always!!

Happy Mother’s Day FaceBook Statuses

Daniel Allen — Sun, 09 May 2010 12:00:15 +0000

…’s mother may have had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it!
…wonders who these kids are and why do they keep calling me mom?!? ;-P
…would like to be the ideal mother… but I’m too busy raising my kids!!
…is wondering: if evolution really works, how come Mothers only have two hands??
…thinks that today’s kids ought to do something really special for their Mothers on Mother’s Day… like move out!
…wonders if there are guys out there looking for a great gift for your Mother-in-Law on Mother’s Day? Why not send her back her daughter???
…was just asked what my kids are taking in college… With a sigh I told them , “Everything I have.”
…is beginning to think that any mother could perform the jobs of several air-traffic controllers with ease!! Happy Mother’s Day!!
…is warning everyone not to forget Mother’s Day… or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad’s Third Wife Day!
…wish every mother a Happy Mother’s Day and hope they have 100 more!

Funny Cinco de Mayo Facebook Status Updates

Daniel Allen — Wed, 05 May 2010 12:00:18 +0000

If you’ve noticed a sudden dearth of avocados, limes, Corona Extras and Jose Cuervo at your local grocery store over the past couple of days, don’t panic — no one is conspiring against you. Instead, your neighbors are simply stocking up to celebrate Cinco de Mayo, a holiday celebrated in Mexico and all over the United States with delicious Mexican cuisine, far too much alcohol and plenty of fanfare.

…thinks that life is too short not to be Mexican! Happy Cinco de Mayo!!
…thinks that everyone should party like a pinata… and get smashed! Happy Cinco de Mayo!!
…thinks that Mexican girls are HOT and SPICY! Happy Cinco de Mayo!!
…can’t remember if it’s Cinco de Mayo or Cinco de Drinko… either way I’m celebrating right!
…is celebrating Cinco de Mayo with the belief that there is no such thing as too much Tequila!!
…believes that if you can remember Cinco de Mayo… then you didn’t do it right!
…is our groups official Cinco de Mayo Drinking Team Captain!
…is thinking that it’s best to just tell everyone that the Tequila made me do it!!
…was the official quality control Tequila insepctor… or at least that’s what I told everyone! Happy Cinco de Mayo!! ;-D
…is our Cinco de Mayo teams designated drunk! Happy Cinco de Mayo!!

Facebook Status Updates to Tickle Your Funny Elbow

Daniel Allen — Sun, 02 May 2010 01:52:18 +0000

…once heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare… but now, thanks to the Internet, we all know this is not true at all!
…believes that impotence is just Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.
…is learning that experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.
…doesn’t have an attitude… I just have a personality you can’t handle!
…just realized that we are all time travelers… just we are moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.
…has figured out that while dogs have masters, cats have staff.
…wonders why people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
…is thinking that a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
…heard that hard work never killed anyone… but why take the chance?
…is convinced that the Miss Universe pageant is fixed… all the winners are from Earth!!

No Respect Facebook Status Updates

Daniel Allen — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 12:00:19 +0000

For those of us that looked up our family tree only to find out that we were the sap or that three dogs were using it, then here is a collection of Facebook Status updates from the late great comedian Rodney Dangerfield that are right up your alley! Guaranteed to get a chuckle for those of us who just can’t get any respect I tell ya… no respect at all!!

…got a phone call from a girl the other day and she said… Come on over, there’s nobody home. So I went over. Nobody was home!
…could tell my parents hated me… my bath toys were a toaster and a radio!
…drinks too much… I just gave a urine sample and it had an olive in it!!
…found that there was only one way to look thin… hang out with fat people!!
…can tell I have too many pimples… I fell asleep in the library and when I woke up, a blind man was reading my face!!
…has good looking kids… thank goodness my wife cheats on me!
…hasn’t spoken to my wife in years… I didn’t want to interrupt her!
…just looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap!
…met the surgeon general – they offered me a cigarette!
…remembers the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father… he said he wanted more proof!

Facebook Status Updates to Make People Laugh

Daniel Allen — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 12:00:25 +0000

A little sarcasm never hurt anyone right?? Riiiiigght! We all use it… we all love it… and now I’m going to share some of it! So step right up and check out these great Facebook status updates! Umm… that last part wasn’t supposed to be sarcastic… well, anyways… Enjoy!

…is learning that while friends may come and go, enemies just seem to accumulate!
…heard that to err is human, but evidently to blame things on somebody else shows management potential.
…just realized that America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
…wonders why they lock gas station bathrooms… are they afraid someone will clean them?
…doesn’t have a beer gut… I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
…is a firm believer that the probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. *sigh*
…is just going to say it… the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, BUT only enough blood to run one at a time.
…would like to enlighten everyone that if you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between “shard” and “syphilis” Okay?
…really wants to know why it is called tourist season if we can’t shoot them??
…doesn’t have an attitude… I just have a personality you can’t handle!

Funny Earth Day Facebook Statuses for Everyone on this Earth

Daniel Allen — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 12:00:02 +0000

In case you didn’t know, April 22 is the 40th anniversary of Earth Day!!

Back on April 22, 1970, the first celebration of Earth Day, founded by U.S. senator Gaylord Nelson, was meant to take environmental issues out of the hands of activists and put them in the hands of middle America becoming quite possibly the most significant environmental event in the history of the movement. From college students to environmental advocates, millions of Americans joined to fight the collective fight against a rapidly deteriorating environment, from oil spills and toxic waste dumps to the adverse effects of pesticides, automobile emissions and other byproducts of industry.

And now forty years later, businesses and citizens have gotten smarter about these things. But there’s much more work to be done! And getting the word out (and of course having a little fun at the same time), is definitely one way to do it!

…is planning to get up before dawn on Earth Day… a smog-accented sunrise is really a sight to behold!
…would like to remind everyone that this is Earth, not Uranus… let’s keep it clean! Happy Earth Day!!
…is supporting wind energy… I’m making my own! Happy Earth Day and could you pass the chili?
…is going to go Dr. Seuss on you: so unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not. It’s not. It’s not!
…wants everyone to pull together to save the planet… it’s the only one with beer!!!
…wants everyone to pull together to save the planet… it’s the only one with chocolate!!!
…is not an environmentalist… I’m an Earth warrior!!
…would like to remind everyone that Earth is what we ALL have in common.
…thinks it strange our situation here on Earth… *sigh*
…thinks you should save water… by showering with me! ;-D

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
-George Carlin

The Wonders of Facebook Status Updates

Daniel Allen — Sun, 18 Apr 2010 12:00:23 +0000

…wonders why it is called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is xxx and I am an alcoholic’?
…wonders if the number 2 pencil is the most popular… why is it still number 2?
…wonders if winning isn’t everything… why do they keep score?
…wonders with the amount of news that happens everyday in the world that it always fits the newspaper just exactly!
…wonders why we park in driveways and drive on parkways…
…wonders if Lipton employees ever take coffee breaks…
…wonders just exactly how does a fool and his money GET together in the first place?
…wonders how is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
…wonders how they get Teflon to stick to the pan if nothing ever sticks to Teflon…
…wonders if the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, then just how dangerous is a fax?!?

Funny Facebook Taxes Status Update

Daniel Allen — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 12:00:24 +0000

Today is April 15 and if you are from America then you know what that means! Today is Tax Day! Yep… that’s right! Today is the last day for you to file your taxes (without getting an extension of course), and I hope that you have completed your taxes and sent them in so you can sit back and enjoy some of these Facebook status updates (you’ve filled out your Census too right? That’s due tomorrow!):

…just noticed that when you put the words “The” and “IRS” together, it spells “THEIRS”
…thinks that people should be happy that they pay taxes… it means they are still employed!
…wishes I was nominated by Obama so I don’t have to pay taxes.
…is going to try spending a year dead for tax reasons.
…says a fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
…is so broke after just paying his tax bill that he can’t even afford the last letter to update his statu
…just entered the latest drawing: “just fill out one simple form & win a free tax audit!!”
…wonders what Apple product are you going to buy with your tax refund?
…wonders if today is confusing for the people in Texas, since the words Texas & Taxes sound alike. Either way, I’m not concerned… I already did my Texas.
…is going to get through today and then it’s off to a 364-day weekend!

Surely you can Earn More Than This! Someone has to Support Medicade and Social Security?!?

Some of Those Fun Facebook Status Updates

Daniel Allen — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 12:00:22 +0000

…believes that the big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
…is beginning to think that some mistakes are just too much fun to only make once!
…never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don’t listen, they don’t come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
…says that good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
…thinks that life’s a bitch, ’cause if it was a slut, it’d be easy.
…doesn’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
…would like to define Deja Vu for you: it’s when you think you’re doing something you’ve already done before… but in actuallity it’s because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
…has realized that you know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going!
…has figured it out: children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children! You have now all been warned!!
…has come to the realization that after (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!

Cool Facebook Statuses

Daniel Allen — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 12:00:52 +0000

…wonders if this rag smell like chloroform to you?
…just doesn’t get why most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
…laid down last night, and as I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?!?
…doesn’t suffer from insanity… I enjoy every minute of it!
…says if you want to know anything you should come to my house because I’ve got a kid who apparently knows everything!
…may be old enough to know better, but is still young enough to try and get away with it anyway!
…realized that when you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
…learned the easy way that children seldom misquote you… in fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said!!
…learned that haikus are easy. But sometimes they don’t make sense. Refrigerator.
…is starting to believe that if Bill Gates got a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer… oh wait, he did!!

Clever and Unique Facebook Statuses

Daniel Allen — Sat, 10 Apr 2010 12:00:26 +0000

…would just like to say: This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! … Now read without the word dog.
…thinks a toaster should give some sort of an indication when it’s going to pop instead of scaring the Hell out of me when it does!! .
…knows that behind my smile is everything you will never understand.
is hoping that if he stays in Facebook land long enough, the cleaning fairies will come…….?
…and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
…learned that when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap them into next week!!
…wants his friends to continue this story by adding a sentence to it: Last night I went for a walk…
…is wondering why logging onto Face book has become part of the everyday routine?…. Do I really have nothing better to do!?!
…is thinking about the people who walked into my life and made it better………. Thanks! .
…got a new job with the local hostage negotiators and tried to phone in sick but they talked me out of it.

Funny Happy Birthday Facebook Status Updates

Daniel Allen — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 12:00:42 +0000

I’ve got a real present for you today! A nice collection of humorous and witty “Happy Birthday” Facebook status updates:

…was going to send you something sexy for your birthday… but the mailman made me get out of the box.
…want’s everyone to know that a sweetheart like you is the frosting on the birthday cake of life!
…wishes you a happy birthday! I was going to get you a cake, but I ate it all… it was good
…wishes you a happy birthday! Think of it this way: in dog years you would… uh.. already be dead!
…believes that if you haven’t grown up by age 50, then you don’t have to! Happy birthday!!
…knows we’re getting old when the only thing we want for our birthday is not to be reminded of it!
…isn’t going to ask for much for my birthday… just a radio with a sports car around it.
…reminds you that old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative… HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
…is just letting everyone know that birthdays are a good thing… the more you have, the longer you live!
…says that it’s not the years in your life that count… it’s the life in your years!